5 April 2016

My Top 5 Worst Gaming Creepypastas of All Time

Prepare to be scared by how terrible this stuff is

So this post is about half a year late (or early, depending how you look at it) for the official horror season, but if there's one thing that's true about the human condition it's that a good scare - or lack thereof - can be enjoyed all year round. And so, in this two part series, I bring you the best and the worst of the internet's video game-related urban legends and spooky stories; no obvious trollpastas allowed, just the genuinely good and genuinely bad with a little bit of comedic commentary sprinkled on the side. Links to the pastas in their original, written form are provided in the titles. Now, without further ado, let's-a-go:

5. Castlevania -1
'A certain kid who looked like he was emo' in a Castlevania title where Dracula is inexplicably renamed 'Satan?' Might not be a trollpasta, but it definitely smells like a shitpasta to me.

4. Hypnochu
(Un)fortunately the original version of this one seems to have been scrubbed off the internet entirely, meaning I can't provide a link for it, but don't worry - all you need to do is listen up to about two and a half minutes into this video, just long enough to ask yourself, 'will you let Hypno be a Hypno?'

3. Dead Mario 64
Granted, making Super Mario 64 scary is difficult by anyone's standards, but this author's story comes off as though they didn't even try. The sad thing is, judging by the inclusion of an 'edgy' protagonist and a 'did it really happen?' cliffhanger ending, they did.

2. Sonic.exe/Round 2
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, Sonic.exe's even more terrible sequel tries to be an emotionally and intellectually complex epic, and instead ends up a convoluted mess of crazy demonic entities and obviously made-up cults that nobody cares about. For a whole hour. This one is not for the faint of heart.

1. The Kill Waker
In a world where joggers will randomly come up to children and casually inform them of the current neighbourhood census and Link gets a goffick recolouring, one gamer will experience a horror like no other: The Kill Waker. Join him on his grammatically incorrect and laughably not-scary journey, and please don't sue me for the damages afterwards. 

Sweet dreams.